by Olive Ann Tucker
“Are you still a virgin?”
Adina inhaled sharply and choked on smoke.
Maxine watched her with a smirk dusting her lips, waiting for Adina to stop coughing. The red tint of the bonfire contrasted with her alabaster skin and stygian tattoo—a dahlia flower bloomed on her neck, its stem curling elegantly behind her right ear.
“What?” Adina finally asked between gasps.
“Come on, you know.”
She looked away, embarrassment bordering on shame twisting in her gut. She did know—she was nineteen years old, living on her own, and had never held a boy’s hand. She wanted to, wanted it so badly that it made it difficult to focus on class, especially when Xander was sitting next to her. Like a magnet, he drew Adina’s eyes across the beach. Tall, tan, and muscular, he could have easily been mistaken for an actor. Hearing his deep, baritone voice always made her shiver.
She loved how untouchable he was, deflecting criticism with biting sarcasm that was hysterical to watch, but agonizing to be subjected to. However, no matter how hard she tried to catch his eye, his penetrating gaze always seemed to look straight through her. He was wrestling on the black sand with their other friends, the firelight dancing across his dark skin. Like in school, sports, and love, he was far more skilled than his peers, effortlessly throwing them over his shoulders and pinning them to the ground.
“Kyle likes you,” Maxine continued when she didn’t say anything.
Looking away from Xander, she searched for Kyle’s pale, lanky body. The height was the only thing the two young men had in common: Kyle was soft-spoken and self-conscious. He was nice, Adina supposed, and they were friends, but she wasn’t drawn to him in the same way that Xander demanded her attention. Xander was a mystery yet to be unveiled. Kyle was an open book, though apparently Adina had missed an important chapter.
“I didn’t know he was interested in me.”
“You never know when anyone’s interested in you. Remember Jack? I can’t believe he asked you out three times before you realized he meant on a date.”
“How was I supposed to know that pizza after school was a date?”
“Adina, he asked you out to prom.”
“I know, but—”
“Prom!” Maxine shouted, a smile creeping over her face. She shook her head, throwing an arm over Adina’s shoulder. “You’re hopeless at romance.”
Adina couldn’t tell if she was being mocking or sincere. It was Maxine’s trademark to mask affection with callousness, but the two were difficult to discern. She liked to hide feelings behind a tough exterior composed of tattoos and piercings. Maybe that’s why she liked collecting broken hearts.
“Speak of the devil,” said Maxine, looking past the fire.
Kyle loped over to them, stopping several feet away to rub the sand out of his short, blond hair.
“Do you still want a ride home?” he asked Adina.
“That would be great, thank you.”
She felt Maxine squeeze her shoulder and could practically sense the other girl’s eyebrows wiggling. She dug her elbow in Maxine’s side before grabbing her shoes.
“You’re not getting any younger,” Maxine called out. “It’ll only get harder the longer you wait.”
Adina’s face burned, and she was grateful the sun had set long ago. Kyle looked at her, confusion clouding his expression. She could tell he wanted to ask what Maxine meant, but to her relief, he didn’t say anything. Discomforted by the quiet, she asked him about his classes, engaging him in harmless small talk so that she wouldn’t have to think. Her eyes wandered anywhere but to him, though she noticed that he kept trying to meet her gaze even as she kept her focus on the streetlights lining the road.
Maybe Maxine was right, maybe Kyle did like her. He always seemed to flourish when it was just the two of them, sometimes so much that it was almost impossible to get him to shut up. In her periphery, she watched him rub his nose constantly, turning the already ruddy skin an angry red. He kept bumping his glasses when he pulled his hand away in a way that was almost endearing. She’d always had a thing for guys with glasses, and for the first time, she felt her stomach flip pleasantly when she thought that he might like her. It felt good to be desired, even if the feeling wasn’t mutual.
The embarrassment and shame from Maxine’s comment on the beach still stewed in her mind, twisting together until they turned into something that burned hotter than the bonfire. Maxine always treated her like a child, and sometimes, it felt like she was looking down at Adina, like she knew something about Adina that she was too naive to see, or that Adina was too inexperienced to understand. The tattoos proved it, not that Adina was keen to get one. She stewed in these thoughts, and by the time they reached Kyle’s car, she was simmering with rage.
The rusty, grey vehicle rumbled to life after some coaxing. Adina was vaguely aware that he was still speaking—the words came out so fast he hardly had enough time to breathe. When there was a lull in Kyle’s monologue she simply nodded and hummed—he couldn’t seem to tell the difference between her attention and her feigned interest. While he spoke, she studied him, watching his prominent Adam’s apple bob up and down as he rambled on. His threadbare, green flannel hung loose on his thin frame just as his pants clung to what she assumed were bony hips. Even with the help of a belt, it always looked like he was wearing his older brother’s clothes. His face was gaunt and his cheekbones prominent, stretching the skin so taut, it almost looked translucent. She supposed he was attractive in the way people with harsh features could be. He might even be handsome if he put on several pounds and stood in the sun for a few minutes each day.
His voice was what put her off most, she realized. It was nasally and whiny, nothing like Xander’s authoritative timbre. If he sounded different, or if he didn’t speak at all, then perhaps she might like him back.
“What were you and Maxine talking about?”
They were stopped at a red light, and he was looking at her with his brow furrowed. He wore an unusually thoughtful expression.
Adina shrugged. “I don’t know. Nothing. Green light.”
He stared at her a second longer before turning back to the road and slowly accelerating. “You were staring at Xander a lot tonight.” He paused, then he said, “You stare at him a lot every night.”
She laughed, but it was too loud, too fast.
“You like him,” he said. It sounded like an accusation.
She shrugged, trying to appear casual as she scrambled to come up with a believable lie. “He’s cool, just not my type.”
Kyle glanced at her before his eyes darted back to the road. They didn’t speak for the rest of the drive.
The car squealed as Kyle gently engaged the breaks, pulling up to Adina’s house. His hands rested on the steering wheel as he waited for her to leave; she unbuckled her seatbelt but didn’t reach for the door. If Maxine was right, Kyle was already interested in her. Anger flared in her gut soon as she thought about Maxine and her resolve solidified, though it quickly turned to nervousness when she took a second to think about what she was about to do. This is what people do, she told herself, and instead of getting out, she placed her hand on top of his before she could think herself out of it.
Kyle’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth, but unlike earlier, no sound came out. A long moment passed as they stared silently at each other. He wasn’t unattractive, she told herself, just a little rough around the edges. Before she could think herself out of it, she closed her eyes, leaned forward, and kissed him. She didn’t do much more than brush her lips against his before pulling back and opening her eyes to gauge his reaction.
He was barely breathing. Despite her closeness, the only sign that air was entering and exiting his body was the slight rise and fall of his chest. His wide eyes darted back and forth, as though they were trying to decide what part of Adina to focus on—her eyes, her lips, her hand; he seemed embarrassed to let his sight linger on any part of her body for too long. It would have been cute if it wasn’t upsetting—she had no idea what they were getting into, and she wasn’t too keen on leading them through the whole ordeal.
She wasn’t even sure what exactly she was getting herself into, or even if she wanted to, but Maxine’s words kept echoing in her head, and the spite and shame pushed her forward where her hesitancy would have normally stopped her. She cupped Kyle’s face in her hands and kissed him again, attempting to distract herself from the disappointment blooming in her chest. She wished his eyes were brown instead of blue and wished his hair was black instead of blonde. At least he wasn’t speaking; that made it easier to pretend he was someone else.
Their noses collided painfully, and he hissed when her teeth dug into his lips. He was still for a moment before reciprocating, slowly at first—simply combing his hands through her hair—and then more forcefully. Surprise and disgust flooded Adina’s mind as he shoved his tongue into her mouth. Was it supposed to be this wet? His hand was hot and sweaty against her skin, and when he pulled away, her lips were damp with his saliva. She resisted the urge to wipe it away.
Despite her initial shock at the intrusive nature of the kiss, Adina didn’t tell Kyle’s fumbling hands to stop. She didn’t try to keep her mind from wandering either; she imagined Xander’s angular face was being lit by the orange glow of the bonfire. Maxine was sure to be sitting right next to him, her smug smirk painted by the same flame.
“Do you want to come inside?”
She could pretend for a little longer.
She woke up with a tattoo on her wrist. It was a flower, just like Maxine’s. An orchid, as she discovered after a cursory internet search. A black orchid for sexual desire. How ironic. She laid in bed for an hour, staring at the interlocking black lines that formed a chain of vines and leaves. Part of her felt dirty. The other part felt offended that her body was marked by something that meant so little to her.
She rubbed at the dark lines on her skin, feeling a mix of emotions ranging from guilt to anger. Part of her wanted to blame Maxine, but she knew that at the end of the day, it had been her decision.
“I won’t sleep well,” she’d said when Kyle asked to spend the night.
A fine excuse. And he’d taken it well, or so she’d thought.
She tried to forget about what happened and started her day like normal, but the black lines were impossible to ignore. Last night had been so odd it seemed like a dream, but she remembered it too clearly to think it was anything else. The sex wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good either. Then again, she had nothing to compare it to. Maxine would know better, and that pissed Adina off even more than it had the night before. Like the kiss, the rest of the night had been wet, clumsy, and embarrassing. Kyle had miraculously had a condom in his wallet, but he’d struggle to put it on, and she’d been too hesitant to help; she’d been too hesitant to do anything else after initiating the kiss.
The smell of sex clung to her skin like smoke on her clothes. Losing her virginity was supposed to make her feel different, more mature, but she just felt dissatisfied. Like she had gone to a five-star restaurant with fantastic reviews only to be served cold soup with stale oyster crackers. In the end, it hadn’t done anything to change her life or her view of the world, and that was the most disappointing thing of all.
Life went on. She went to class, did her homework, and slept. No one knew what a milestone she had accomplished. No one cared. The week was just as mundane as every other week. She often forgot that days earlier she had been splayed out, naked, beneath a boy. Nothing had changed—except her relationship with Kyle. Before, they had been on the friend side of acquaintances. Kyle thought they were closer than they were because he had told Adina his life story at least three times, treating her like his private therapist. Now it was worse, and he texted her incessantly, drowning her with words while saying nothing. The first few messages after the bonfire talked about what a wonderful time he’d had and how he hoped they could see each other soon. After she didn’t respond for several hours, he asked if she was okay. She responded with a terse “I’m fine.” His texts stopped for some time before beginning again, the messages becoming more aggressive and demanding, asking where she was, who she was with, and when he could meet her.
Finally, sick of watching her phone light up, she blocked his number and texted Maxine, asking to meet her on Wednesday afternoon for coffee. To her surprise, Maxine responded almost instantly, telling her that she would be at their favorite caffe at eleven. Then, Adina heard a knock at her front door.
Frowning, she shut her laptop and walked to the front of the house. Kyle blinked when she opened the door, dropping his raised hand to his side.
“Adina!” he said, his volume betraying his eagerness. “I was worried you weren’t home.”
Adina couldn’t even pretend to smile. Her body felt numb while her mind screamed at her to run, as fast and as far away from here as she could get. Her home wasn’t a safe space anymore, not when he knew where it was.
“I’m sorry, I have a... there’s a huge project I’m working on,” she said, fumbling for a believable lie.
“Really? What class? Can I help?”
His desperate enthusiasm was almost cute. It made her skin crawl. “No, I’m working with a group.”
“Well, do you want to study together?” he asked.
Adina’s eyes slid to the bag hanging on his shoulder. It was a harmless question, and what had once been a common activity for the two of them. But things were different now, more uncomfortable. She was suddenly very aware that he was the only person in the world who had seen and touched her intimately, and it made her uneasy to be in the same room as him.
“The rest of the group is actually here now. It’ll be too cramped.”
Kyle’s hopeful smile started to sour, and suspicion clouded his eyes. “Okay.” He bit his lip. “I honestly came to talk to you about something else.”
She stared at him, not wanting him to continue, but not willing to tell him to go away.
“I wanted to talk about...us? You’ve been weird ever since— “
“Yeah, sure, but can we do this later?” She started closing the door. “I’ll text you, okay?”
“Adina, wait—"
With the door closed, she slid the deadbolt in place and ran to the back of the house, pulling the blinds down as she went. She didn’t think he would come around to the back entrance by her room, but if he did, she didn’t want him to see her house empty. When she made it to her room, she slammed her door shut and jumped onto her bed, burrowing under the covers. Memories of Kyle tracing patterns on her wrist, sweaty with sex, rose unbidden in her mind. Adina had eventually managed to get him out of her bed and outside by three in the morning. He had moved with a slow, satisfied manner, yet acted like something was being taken from him.
“It’s cold,” he said, “and late. Just let me stay.”
I just want to wash you off my sheets and go to sleep on my couch, she thought. Alone. What she said was, “I need to get up early tomorrow to work on homework.”
At least her lies were compounding in a believable way, she thought. Maybe it was her imagination, but her bedding still smelled like him.
Adina spotted Maxine three blocks away. She’d dyed her short hair a bright cherry red that clashed beautifully with her forest-green wardrobe and pale skin. If it wasn’t for the sunny day and brightly painted caffe, Adina might have mistaken Maxine for a character in a silent film.
“Xander’s looking for you.”
“You talked to him?” Adina said. Her face became instantly hot. “When? What did he want?”
Maxine shrugged. “We talked last night. Told me you and Kyle weren’t talking.”
Adina rubbed her wrist, trying to pick which emotion to hold onto. Anger? Embarrassment? Shame? “How much did he tell you?” How much does he know?
“Just that you’re ghosting him.”
Some of the weight on Adina’s chest lifted. Maxine didn’t know then. Despite this, there was a small pang as the secret tugged at the back of her mind. “He’s being clingy.”
“I told you not to lead him on,” Maxine said nonchalantly.
“I wasn’t leading him on,” Adina replied out of habit. But that wasn’t true anymore, she realized. “Anyway, isn’t that exactly what you do with the guys you date?”
Maxine narrowed her eyes. “Sure, but at least I know what I’m doing.” Her voice had a cold edge to it, a subtle warning for Adina not to pry further.
Adina snorted and looked away. Just as she was about to get somewhere, Maxine withheld the necessary information. Typical. It was like her friend didn’t even want her to succeed. She had a long history with Maxine, and she knew that her friend put up a front to hide how difficult her life had been, but the tender moments that had solidified their friendship were increasingly harder to find as time went on. On days like today, it felt like Maxine was purposefully withholding information from her, and she didn’t understand why.
“Hey, come on, it’s not that big of a deal. Just talk to him and say you’re not interested.”
“What if it’s too late?”
“Dump him.” She pulled out her phone, scrolling with a disinterested look on her face.
Adina froze, her mug lifted halfway to her face. “We, we’re not dating!”
“Sure you aren’t.” When Adina didn’t say anything, she glanced up and gasped. “Oh fuck, your wrist!”
“What?” She jerked her hand and hissed when hot coffee splashed on her wrist. Then she saw her tattoo.
“Oh my god, what happened?” Maxine demanded.
She clapped her hand over the mark. “Nothing! It isn’t anything.”
Maxine raised her eyebrows and Adina looked away, her cheeks burning with shame.
She left soon after, making sure to pull her jacket far over her wrist to cover her tattoo, but she couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling. Maxine was careless with everything, ready to toss anyone to the wind whenever it suited her. For a long time, Adina had excluded herself from that possibility, but hearing how casually Maxine spoke about breaking hearts, she started to wonder.
She felt guilty as soon as she considered it, but she couldn’t forget it. What was she to Maxine? What was Maxine to her? On paper they were best friends, but Maxine rarely responded to Adina’s texts and only asked to spend time together when she needed help on a school project or a second pair of hands to set up and clean up her parties.
As if sensing her thoughts, Maxine casually mentioned she was hosting a party on Friday while Adina was picking up her backpack. Normally she would have said yes, but parties with Xander meant Kyle would be there as well, so she gave a noncommittal reply before heading home.
“Adina, can I talk to you?”
His unexpected presence disoriented her—she hadn’t known Kyle was coming over, though she also hadn’t been receiving his texts for the past three days. He looked more ragged than normal, his eyes shrunken into his skull, making the black rings more pronounced. She hardly had time to nod before he pushed his way into her house. Trailing behind him, she noticed how his shoulders were rounded, like an animal raising its hackles in preparation for a fight. Turning right, he opened her bedroom door and ushered Adina inside, closing the door behind them.
For an instant, she felt her throat constrict—skinny as he was, Kyle was still much bigger than her. If he wanted to, he would be able to pin her down with ease. She tried to rationalize her situation. She had ghosted him all week, and he had every right to be angry, but he wouldn’t take it out on her physically. Still, it was difficult to convince herself that she was unequivocally safe when he loomed above her, his jaw set in ire.
“You haven’t talked to me in days.” His voice was breathy and quiet, just like Adina hated.
Her wrist itched where black lines marred smooth skin. She started rubbing the mark with her thumb and said, “I was busy.”
“Busy enough not to explain what was going on? We just started dating and—”
“Hold on. Dating?” she shook her head, confused. “Who said we were dating?”
“You made it very clear that you were interested in me when you initiated things.”
She blinked at him, mouth agape. “You can’t be serious. Just because we kissed doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship.”
“Adina, we had sex!” he yelled in exasperation.
She flinched, shocked he could be so loud.
“Doesn’t that mean anything?” he continued in a softer voice.
Sighing, she ran her hand through her hair. How would Maxine deal with this? She always seemed so sure of herself when dealing with relationships. Then again, doing what Maxine did was what gave her the tattoo in the first place. But what other role model did she have?
“Kyle, I don’t like you like that.”
“But—”
“I like Xander. You were just…convenient.” As soon as she said it, guilt flowered in her stomach.
He looked at her, jaw clenching and unclenching. “You… you… but,” he shook his head, frustration seeping into his features the longer it took him to force out a simple sentence until the pressure became too much; he turned and walked out the room without another word.
Adina stared at the vacant space. It’s fine, she thought. We weren’t that close anyway. I still have Maxine. It was a hollow consolation.
Friday arrived without fanfare—the same way Adina arrived to the party. She was dressed uncharacteristically carefully in a low-cut shirt and jeans that tightly hugged her hips; she had even spared fifteen minutes in front of the mirror, painstakingly ensuring her eyeliner was even. Most people there were strangers. Normally, she stood on the edge of the room, watching them laugh and drink and smoke until either Maxine or Kyle spotted her, but today she didn’t want to speak to either of them. The only reason she’d come to this party at all was because Xander would be here.
She crept around the house, peeking around corners to ensure she didn’t run into Kyle, but he hadn’t come. Relief partially filled the void in her chest, but she still felt off balance. She grabbed a beer from the kitchen and drank half of it in three gulps, trying to let as little of the bitter liquid roll over her tongue as possible. Minutes later, she could feel the fog filling the lingering emptiness.
Making her way to the back of the house, she saw that the party had spilled outside. The chilly night air made her shiver as she walked onto the patio. It was cloudy and the dim porchlight did little to illuminate the yard and the partygoers. She searched for Maxine’s stalky form in the crowd, moving near the fence where she had a better view—the periphery was what she knew best.
An old apple tree with tangled limbs grew in the corner of the yard. Beneath its ancient branches, Adina noticed something moving. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was a girl straddling someone’s lap. She knew she shouldn’t stare, but she couldn’t look away. They must have been kissing, but their bodies were pressed so close together she could hardly tell the two apart. It was so different from her night with Kyle; their movements had been mechanical, soulless. He touched her like she was a machine, like every part of her was interchangeable, ignoring her winces and warnings when he moved too fast or grabbed too hard.
This woman seemed enjoy whatever her partner was doing, pressing closer to his body whenever he moved away, trying to melt into his skin and eliminate the gaps between them. Adina took a step closer to them, only to hear Xander’s unmistakable voice. She stopped, shutting her eyes, and biting her tongue. Inhaling deeply, she tried to muster some sense disappointment, but all she felt was burning jealousy. What did she have that Adina didn’t? Why couldn’t Xander like her? It wasn’t fair. But there wasn’t anything she could do about it without causing a scene.
As she moved to leave, the clouds parted to reveal a full moon, its cold light igniting the courtyard. A splash of red caught Adina’s eye, and she turned once more to the couple under the tree. On the girl’s neck bloomed a black dahlia.
Olive Ann Tucker is a Creative Writing M.A. student at Queens University Belfast and is a Contributing Editor at Arboreal Literary Magazine. Her work has been published in a variety of journals, including Halfway Down the Stairs, The Minison Project, and Moss Puppy Magazine. Her hobbies include writing in third person and breaking the fourth wall. She can be found on Instagram or on her website.