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Ladies, Sharpen Your Fingernails

By Elad Haber



Hello and thank you for your purchase of DazzleBot: Prestige Edition, the only full- service home salon the size of a briefcase!


Setup takes seconds. You’re going to want to make sure no one else is in the house, for your privacy. Set DazzleBot down on a patch of open floor, with at least six feet of clearance between any walls, paintings, or pets.


DazzleBot is coded for verbal activation (no buttons!), so simply say the “Wake Word” (emailed to you in an encrypted format) and DazzleBot will begin to unfurl itself. Do not be concerned by the numerous metallic arms and teeth-like protuberances. It is all very normal.


Before you know it, DazzleBot will be ready for your interaction. There are numerous settings, including hair and makeup, but as you likely know, our Prestige lines focuses on that first – and maybe last? – impression: your nails.


Want designs? There’s a setting for that. Gels? Sure. Glitter? Why not?


And, of course, our most special enhancements are saved for our most special ladies. Maybe you’re just tired of his shit. Maybe he’s a philanderer. Maybe you just want some peace and quiet for a fucking minute and a half.


We’ve got something for that too.


Poison-tipped? Definitely. Serrated? Yeah, we got that. Or sword-like when you’re just over the whole damn thing.


And with DazzleBot’s After the Act (ATA) mode, cleanup is a breeze. Just sit back and let it clean up all the incriminating evidence.


Leave nothing but the Dazzle!™



 


Elad Haber has been quietly publishing short fiction for twenty years. He attended the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers’ Workshop when he was eighteen years old. You might find his stories in various forgotten corners of the Internet or in the dusty backrooms of basement bookstores. He has recent publications from Lightspeed Magazine, the Simultaneous Times Podcast, and Underland Arcana. This is his second appearance in Hearth & Coffin Literary Magazine. Find him on Bluesky @eladhaber.bsky.social or visit eladhaber.wordpress.com for links.

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